Is this what it has come down to? Another dreary mind-numbing day running on
autopilot?
My brother is in his second week of his holiday job as a data entry clerk
and already he dreads going to work. It took me about one year to get there
when I first started working after graduation. Perhaps it took me that long
because in that first year, I was too busy learning things I thought were
interesting at that time; things like software applications.
I have changed jobs twice since that first job. The first was the longest -
I was there for more than two years. The second one took eight months. This
third one has been six and a half months, and counting. And the way I'm
counting is exactly the way a prisoner cuts a groove into the wall as he
waits for the day he gets to see the sun again.
I never thought I would get to this. When I was in my teen years, I always
imagined myself to be in a high-flying position, mingling amongst the
corporate people in their identical suits and matching briefcases. I was
even conceited enough to think that I would be one of those brilliant ones,
one of those young promising ones, one of those who would be at the finish
line of the rat race first.
Now look at me.
Thinking back on my ambitions as a child, my dreams were not always like
that. Eversince I could remember, until the age of 15, I wanted to be a
teacher. I wanted to share knowledge and groom young ones to fulfill their
potential and be all they could be. Every year, when we were asked to fill
in our ambitions in descending order, my numbers two and three changed, but
my number one never wavered. I was the only one in my entire class for years
to want to be a teacher.
Then money sense kicked in at sixteen, and I changed my ambition to
engineer. Everyone knows teachers can't make money. Engineers can. That was
the idea in the nineties, during the tiger years of the Asian economy. Plus,
I was great at science, with Physics being my best.
I'm trying to remember now when the visions of being a corporate woman
floated in my head. Teachers and engineers don't quite exactly fit the
picture of high-flying suits and briefcases, right? But I remember that
vision clearly. Perhaps watching all those TV shows painted pictures in my
head. Actual ambitions aside, it must have seemed so cool to be one of them
yuppies.
Three years after graduation and three jobs later, I'm sitting in a small
office with three high school graduates about my age, wearing a boring
combination of a dark blue blouse and unflattering black pants, complete
with a pair of black moccasins. I've come to dislike everything about my
job. I dislike the people, I hate the office, and I dread my work. When I
took up this job, I took it with big hopes and bright eyes, the way I did
whenever I started a new job. But wait two months down the line, the hopes
have died and the eyes have dimmed. It's come to the point where I regret
coming back to the CAD line, even though I'm good at it (although I suck in
sales).
Now I'm completely disillusioned, hating the corporate world, with no desire
to climb up the ladder or to finish the rat race. My boss is breathing down
my neck as she has her own pressures and questions to answer to the
principal companies. One job ago, I was foolish enough to dream of having my
own company, a dream I had harboured eversince I was sixteen. Now, watching
the companies I have been in, and hearing stories from my own friends who
have their own companies, I have lost all desire to open a business of my
own. I see how they struggle to pay their employees and make ends meet. I
see how they (more specifically, my boss) are bullied by the principals to
keep stock of the products (that are tens of thousands each, mind you), and
they do it because they need the support of the principals.
I hear stories of how people in their bid to get more money, sacrifice
health and relationships just to get more deals. I hear of how some
companies are making losses because of the amount spent on 'entertainment'.
In my naive, innocent self, I hoped I would never get to that, because I
like who I am; an honest, uncorrupted, trusting individual. That would
probably mean I would never be rich either, but then, money isn't
everything.
I'm thinking and looking for a way out of this now, but it isn't easy. I
still need the money, and I need to run on autopilot for probably another
year and half. Another eighteen months of mindless boredom and a dead
spirit. I suppose I'm the lucky one. I have parents who can provide well,
and I have absolutely no dependents, just some commitments. I can put a
timeframe because that's when I expect to get my full qualifications in my
electone organ course, after which I can start to teach. There is no
guarantee that I can pass on my first attempt, of course; and no guarantee
my music school will take me in. But that's my alternative, and that amount
of time is the minimum I require.
I am actually waiting for news from my principal company about a job. They
have a vacancy which I submitted my resume for, and I think my chances are
good. They may not take me, of course. And even if they do, I no longer have
big hopes and bright eyes, although my friends do, for me. This job would
promise a lot more opportunities, a lot of traveling, and of course a lot
more money.
But perhaps I might be happier teaching.
